It’s not just me. There are a staggering number of novels, popular psychology/self-help books, and clinical handbooks on how to treat couples where infidelity is the presenting issue. There is a cultural fascination with cheating: who’s doing it, how to prevent it, how to heal from it. And I have to admit, I share that fascination. I read the novels and the clinical handbooks; I wrote a novel about an emotional affair. If my boyfriend is disturbed by my preoccupation, he hasn’t said anything, but if he does, I’ll direct him to this post.
For me, the interest is simple: Infidelity does say something about the person who’s unfaithful. It may or may not say something about the relationship he or she is in, but it most assuredly says something about that person’s hopes, dreams, and desires, both fulfilled and unfulfilled. I don’t think it says whether people are good or bad, though they fear that it does. When clients confess to me that they are currently or have had affairs, they scan my face for a reaction, for some sign of judgment or censure. I don’t believe they find it there.
One of the best infidelity novels I’ve read in some time is “Disobedience” by Jane Hamilton. It’s the story of a 17-year-old who discovers his mother’s passionate affair, and he finds himself obsessively reconstructing it from her e-mail correspondence. Interestingly, her affair is framed as an act of disobedience, contrary to her usual identity as a wife and mother (paralleled by her son’s disobedience in spying on her.) In one of her e-mails, she talks about how the affair serves to maintain her marriage, and it’s a story I’ve heard before. The thesis is that the affair fulfills a certain need that’s not being fulfilled in the marriage, and therefore, keeps a certain equilibrium that allows the person to function better as a spouse and parent. What it doesn’t do is allow the person to fix the problem in the marriage. It doesn’t create a situation of long-term stability and contentment. It doesn’t allow a person to self-reflect; it keeps everything revved up, in a state of fear of losing one or both sides of the equation. And that excitement is a great recipe for continued passion. I think what keeps me fascinated when it comes to this subject is that while the outcome might be the same (an affair), the underlying motivations, intentions, fears, dreams, hopes, desires, and longings are all different. It’s one story, and it’s a million stories.